(I do feel bad saying that about any composition derived from any former Beatle, but its true. From those first few synthesized bars I know I either have to turn to another radio station or risk losing my lunch.)
"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" isn't quite as bad, but its close; not to mention Angela Landsbury's "We Need a Little Christmas" or the stupid singing dogs barking "Jingle Bells". And by the 4,526,794th play of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", I have to admit: I've pretty much had it with sweet little Brenda Lee.
So this year I scoured my vast collection of Christmas CDs and spend an unfathomable amount of time in iTunes compiling the ultimate Christmas playlist... my very own "25 Songs for the 25th of December" (to steal the cheesy tagline from WCBS Fm):
1. "Adeste Fidelis" (Andrea Bocelli) - My favorite performance of this song is the one Luciano Pavarotti did with Vanessa Williams on Saturday Night Live back in the late 90's... but since that track is not commercially available, I've gone with Bocelli's equally breathtaking version.
2. "Kay Thompson's Jingle Bells" (Andy Williams) - A delightfully different take on a kids' classic, brought to you by the same guy who sang "Moon River".
3. "Merry Christmas, Baby" (Beach Boys) - The Beach Boys Christmas Album gets a bad rap. My brother and I listened to it so often as kids that wore out the cassette ribbon.
4. "Christmas is All Around" (Billy Mack) - The song itself is supposed to be a spoof, cleverly weaved into an ongoing subplot in one of my favorite movies, Love Actually. But listen to it once and you'll find yourself singing it at all season long.
5. "White Christmas" (Bing Crosby) - I used to think he was drunk when he recorded it... and while that most certainly could be the case, the movie of the same name helps solidify this one as an original classic.
6. "Christmas Auld Lang Syne" (Bobby Darin) - Play this one when its all over, after every one's gone home on Christmas night. I guarantee you'll get a little teary-eyed.
7. "The Chipmunk Song" (The Chipmunks) - Yes, I admit: I actually like this one.Please don't hold it against me.
8. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" (Darlene Love) - The song itself is perfect... the fact that its also the title song to the movie Gremlins is just the icing on the cake.
9. "All Alone on Christmas" (Darlene Love) - A triumphant follow-up to "Baby, Please Come Home", albeit 20+ years later. This one was also featured in a Christmas movie: Home Alone 2.
10. "Please Come Home for Christmas" (Dion) - The more popular Eagles version is good, but how can you possible beat a Christmas song from the guy who brought us "Runaround Sue"?
11. "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing (Frank Sinatra) - The Chairman of the Board comes across as sincere - possibly moved, even - on the best cut from of the best Christmas albums ever.
12. "Another Rock n' Roll Christmas" (Gary Glitter) - That the nut who brought us the venerable Rock n' Roll Part 2 could even make a Christmas song (let alone a good Christmas song) is, in and of itself, quite an accomplishment.
13. "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" (John Lennon) - For a variety of reasons, its my single favorite Christmas song ever... not to mention that its the ultimate antithesis of Sir Paul's "Wonderful Christmastime" disaster.
14. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" (Judy Garland) - The lyrics were eventually changed because record companies felt that the Judy Garland original (from Meet Me in St. Louis) sounded too depressing. I respectfully disagree.
15. "Christmas Tree" (Lady Gaga f/Space Cowboy) - Like Gaga's discography (and like Gaga herself, for that matter), this song is both brilliant and utterly fu*ked-up.
16. "O Holy Night" (Lou Christie) - In 1966, his song "Rhapsody in the Rain" was banned by most US radio stations for its overly suggestive lyrics. He made up for it years later by recording this beautiful song about the birth of Christ.
17. "All I Want for Christmas is You" (Mariah Carey) - I was 16 when this album came out, and I admit I only bought it for the picture on the cover... but this song has managed to be one of the very very few modern hits to actually break through and become a bona fide Christmas classic.
18. "I Bought You a Plastic Star For Your Aluminum Tree" (Michael Franks) - The lyrics are cute and the predominant instrument in the composition is a xylophone... need I say more?
19. "The Christmas Song" (Nat King Cole) - While his guest shots on Night Court were impressive, Mel Torme's greatest accomplishment will always be penning this classic... and no matter how many artists try to remake it, the Nat King Cole original will always be the best.
20. "Christmas in Hollis" (Run DMC) - If you were alive during the 1990's, chances are you owned the original A Very Special Christmas album. And if you owned the album, you know that this was by far the best song on it.
21. "Merry Christmas Baby" (Otis Redding) - Ever since the aforementioned A Very Special Christmas album was released, radio stations have blown-up the Bruce Springstein version; but Lou Baxter and Johnny Moore originally wrote it to be an R&B song, and that's how I like it.
22. "That Holiday Feeling" (Steve Lawrence & Eyde Gorme) - This song makes me feel like I'm cutting a rug at a Christmas party at my grandparents' house circa 1955... (which admittedly would be a bit weird since I wasn't born until 1977).
23. "What Christmas Means to Me" (Stevie Wonder) - He sounded like he was still Little Stevie playing around on his harmonica, but he was already quite the grown-up when he released this radio hit back in 1967.
24. "Someday at Christmas" (The Temptations) - Couple the peace-seeking message of the song with Melvin Franklin's incomparable bass on vocals and you have an overlooked masterpiece.
25. "Christmas Wrapping" (Waitresses) - This song is like a drug: its bad for you, you know its bad for you, and you feel bad for even owning it... but you just can't. Stop. Listening.
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