Pneumatic Theater

The doctor glanced at my x-rays, looked me up and down, then glanced at my x-rays again. He stuffed them back into the large manilla envelope and had a seat at his desk.

"It looks like you've got pneumonia," he said matter-of-factly... and had this been two hundred years ago, I would have hopped on my horse, galloped over to the local undertaker and started planning my funeral. This being 2012, however, I hopped into my car, drove over to CVS, pick-ed up my z-pak and headed home for five days of mandatory rest, relaxation and cough syrup with (Amen!) codeine.

I couldn't tell you the last time I took a sick day - let alone four in a row - so I had no idea what I was going to do to pass the time. Sure I read a little bit, and at times even checked my email; but aside from the 14 hours a day I spent sleeping, my time was mostly consumed by inordinate amount of television.

Here are some highlights:

The $25,000 Pyramid
I should have known better than to watch this one so close to the passing of Dick Clark. The minute he appeared on the screen made me a little misty-eyed. So did seeing Markie Post (from Night Court) reading off the clues to some 40-year-old 1980's housewife dressed like Estelle Getty. At any rate, I was amused at the point in the second round when the Estelle Getty lady won the "Mystery 7" prize and Dick informed her the prize was "a brand new Video... Casette... Recorder!" The lady went bananas; I laughed out loud.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
One of the most under-appreciated pieces of dialogue comes at the end when Ferris' parents (who are married in real life, by the way) pull up to their house after the big Ferris-and-Jeanie chase scene...

      MRS. BUELLER: I just picked-up Jeanie at the police station. She got a  
        speeding ticket, another speeding ticket and I lost the Vermont deal
        because of her.

      MR. BUELLER: I think we should shoot her.

Silver Streak and See No Evil, Hear No Evil
I did a little twin-spin of Gene Wilder/ Richard Pryor flicks. The former was late 1970's classic that my brother and I must have watched a million times when we were kids - the premise is kind of dumb and the dialogue is corny, but the train crashing into Chicago's Union Station at the end is still cool. The later was the first R-rated movie I ever saw in the theater... and save the gratuitous Joan Severance shower scene, its rather unremarkable.

Field of Dreams
A guy plows under his corn and builds a baseball field so that the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson can come play... which he does. Honestly: has there ever been a sports movie with a more absurd premise? Its dorky, hokey and overly sentimental - yet like any other red-blooded American male who loves both his father and baseball, I usually end up in tears at the end.

Law & Order
Thanks to my Apple TV, I now have access to every single Law & Order episode ever made. (Of course you could also argue that by virtue of having access to TBS, TNT and the USA Network I already had the complete series at my fingertips, but I digress.) I gasped when they killed Greevey, gaped awestruck at the acting genius of Paul Sorvino and got a little misty-eyed when I saw Lennie Briscoe (RIP Jerry Orbach).

Spaceballs
Daphne Zuniga in hot... a fact often overlooked in this Mel Brooks classic. Also overlooked...

      DARTH HELMET: Found anything yet?
      TROOPER 1: Nothing yet, sir.
      DARTH HELMET: How about you?
      TROOPER 2: Not a thing, sir.
      DARTH HELMET: What about you guys?
      TROOPER 3: We ain't found shit!

The West Wing
I watched pretty much every episode from when Josh convinces Matt Santos to run for President all the way through the wild Democratic convention. Santos' "we are members of the Democratic Party" speech still gives me goose-bumps... so does Arnie Vinick's sly "alright - let's go win this thing" line to end the season. (It's sad when you can recite the lines before they even say them.)



Tomorrow its back to work... and unless I get diagnosed with malaria or typhoid fever, that Quantum Leap marathon I was planning will just have to wait.

The Bad, The Good & The No Longer Needed

On New Year's Eve I made a resolution to try something new in each month of 2012 and then blog about it. In January I wrote about joining an all-female bootcamp... and what follows is my entry covering February, March and April.

FEBRUARY

Wednesday, February 22nd - almost 6:00 at night and I was at a local Chamber of Commerce reception across town. I was making my way towards the doors, saying my goodbyes, when suddenly my cellphone started flashing/buzzing/dinging/howling/whistling/shaking out of control. Phone calls, text messages, Facebook postings - all from people wanting to make sure I was alright. Befuddled, I called my wife for answers, which is when she told me: there was a shooting at my hospital... at least two employees were seriously injured... it was all over the local news.

Actual picture of the SWAT Team (via Hartford Courant)

I felt like I was kicked in the stomach.

For the next six hours I was immersed in a sea of SWAT teams, news cameras, neighbors and colleagues as the entire mess was sorted out. We huddled up against a patrol car with the Police Chief and the Mayor, getting updates as they came through; and once the suspect was caught and the victims transported to a local trauma center, we headed back inside and started to try to put things back together. For the days that followed we met with employees, met with prosecutors, met with police; we prepared press statements, edited press statements, delivered press statements. We fielded calls from the Governor's Office and from Congressmen; we read police reports and arraignment notices. And we prayed for our two colleagues who remained in critical condition.

There is a lot more I need to write about all of this, but I'm still not ready. The will to get back on track has come and will continue to come over time. But for now, I'm counting the management of this crisis as something new... something I've never done before nor every care to again.

MARCH

BEFORE

I'm the type of guy that always has to be doing something, even more so in stressful times - which is why the primary beneficiary of my post-shooting neurosis was my wife (and, more specifically, her master bathroom).

AFTER

When we bought our house four years ago, we hated the decor. In fact, we actually walked-out of the house the first time we saw it. Pink walls, peach walls... tons of gaudy wall paper. And a powder-blue master bath. Over time I have removed all of the wallpaper, painted all of the walls, removed a bunch of rugs, polished the floors, et cetera, et cetera - but never had I taken on a full-scale project like an entire bathroom.

Over the course of four weeks I completely removed the tile, toilet, sink, shower and drywall from the bathroom and then re-constructed the entire thing. Yes: My father-in-law did help with the shower install; and yes: I did have to hire a plumber to weld a new shower control pipe thingy in there. But by and large I did the entire thing myself. It was and is hands-down the biggest home improvement project I've ever undertaken... and the first full re-model I've ever done myself.

APRIL

Save twenty or so pounds, I'm a rather healthy guy. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke and I don't ever ever ever eat McDonald's (because, let's be honest: its gross). But my one vice? Soda. And not even regular soda: diet soda; namely Diet Coke (which I do prefer to regular Coke) and Diet Dr. Pepper (which tastes more like a dessert than a drink).

Every day, I usually treat myself to either one Diet Coke or one Diet Dr. Pepper with lunch, surmising they are not the regular high-fructose corn-syrup infused quaffs that are almost single-handedly causing the obesity epidemic in America. They're "diet" - it even says so right on the can... but that's not good enough for my wife who likens diet soda to poison. She cites study upon study that (apparently) proves diet soda is just as bad - if not worse - for you than regular soda.

I, of course, dismiss this as pure poppycock - noting that I walk past doctors every day who drink Diet Coke after Diet Coke. (Granted, I also had a chain-smoking pediatrician when I was a kid who used to treat my asthma, but that's no really relevant.)

Eager to at least try a life without soda, though, I prepared a challenge: one week without it. Every time I wanted a soda, I'd simply have an unsweetened green tea (which I don't think anyone disputes is like the single most beneficial drink ever created... or something like that). One week, I told myself. I can make it one week.

I am now on Day 13 and still alive; soda is no longer a necessity to survive. I've also lost six pounds and am in a much better mood... but I will admit: the ice-cold Diet Dr. Pepper in the vending machine downstairs does occasionally call my name.