Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Stupid Sweethearts

My cherubic little Kindergartner Katie came home with her valentines this afternoon... plus an inordinate amount of candy. (Apparently Valentine's Day is the new Halloween.)

Kids undoubtedly love candy; yet among Katie's chocolates and lollipops and cherry red Starbursts lay a lone box of Sweethearts that I knew would go untouched. Katie hates Sweethearts. So do I. So does any other human being with legitimate taste buds. (And just to be clear: we're talking about Sweethearts not Sweet Tarts. I love Sweet Tarts and will duel anyone who thinks otherwise.)

I fully intended to throw Katie's Sweethearts away for her - but then curiosity got the best of me. I wondered:  Gee, just how stupid are those little sayings they have on them? Against my better judgement, I opened the box and looked. The results were scary... bordering on horrific. Here were some of the lowlights (and no - I'm not making any of them up):
  • "Hug Me" - Innocuous; in fact they should all just say "Hug Me".
  • "Pick Me" - As opposed to the millions of other cute little candy hearts out there?
  • "Adore Me" - The thought of anyone adoring me skeeves me out.
  • "Friend Me" - So Zuckerberg is into the whole candy scene now... nice!
  • "Tweet Me" - Because we should all be able to express our love in 140 words or less.
  • "Text Me" - As long as there are no pictures of Congressmen in their boxer shorts.
  • "U Can Do It" - I can?
  • "1 on 1" - I couldn't tell if this was a sex reference or simply homage Hall & Oates
  • "Go Go Go" - Seems more suited for Viagra than Sweethearts.
  • "Boogie" - As in Wonderland? Or Oogie Oogie Oogie?
  • "Voila" - Non, merci'.
  • "Time 2 Dance" - They're small, hard candies. Don't dance while eating them. You could choke.
And by far the weirdest one of them all:
  • "Jump 4 Me" - On our first date? C'mon - what kind of a guy do you think I am?


Friday, February 3, 2012

So I'm The Only Guy In Boot Camp...

On New Year's Eve I made a resolution to try something new in each month of 2012... and then blog about it. Here's my entry for January.

I work in a hospital... and twice a year we get the following all-staff e-mail from our fitness director: 

Are you looking to jump start your workout?
Lacking motivation and need a boost?
Take the Boot Camp Challenge!

Boot Camp is an intense exercise class that focuses on all areas of fitness to include muscular strength, balance, agility, flexibility and endurance through a combination of strength training and aerobic activities.  Classes are packed with lots of variety and tons of fun!
I generally delete such e-mails, deducing that any person who classifies "intense exercise" as "tons of fun" knows not what they profess. But in this particular case, I made the mistake of mentioning such activity to my wife - who very promptly encouraged me to sign-up. Naturally I resisted... until she threw the whole 12-new-things-in-2012 promise in my face.

My aversions to Boot Camp were admittedly sophomoric, though not at all unfounded:

1) I don't care for exercise.
2) I don't care for people watching me while I exercise.
3) And I especially don't care for women watching me while I exercise.

(I chalk it all up to phys ed in high school, where there was a solid partition between the girls' side of the gym and the boys' side of the gym. We could hear the girls on the other side playing basketball and volleyball and badminton, but we were never allowed to intermingle... which, again: I was fine with.)

So with my wife's encouragement and this blog weighing on my mind, I signed-up for Boot Camp. My assistant (a woman) informed me that she was joining, as did our Marketing Director (yet another woman). The trainer was a male (who I pictured wearing army fatigues and a green beret), and the initial rumor was that more than fifty people had signed-up... meaning I could very easily stand toward the back and  pretend like I wasn't even there. What a relief!

Of course I showed-up for the first session in my shorts and t-shirt only to discover that the fifty rumored participants was actually eight... and that of those eight, only one (i.e. yours truly) was blessed with a Y-chromosome.

UGH!

I knew I'd better develop a sense of humor... and quick. People do appreciate humility, after all; and I reasoned that if nothing else, these seven ladies had to at least respect the fact that I was willing to step out of the comfort-zone that I (and many other men in their mid-30's) inhabit. (Plus it helped that I out-ranked all of them work-wise - so if they did make fun of me, at least they wouldn't dare do it to my face.)

But as awkward as those first few minutes were in that illogically anxious mind of mine, it really wasn't - and isn't - that big of a deal.

Our little group of eight troopers just reached the half-way point of Boot Camp and I can honestly admit that any preconceived notions have been completely thrown out the window. My formula for success, in fact, is quite simple:

I go to Boot Camp. I exercise. I get winded, out of breath. The ladies laugh at me; I laugh at myself... and its all over in 45 minutes.

All in all: its a piece of cake... even if I am the only guy.