Stupid Sweethearts

My cherubic little Kindergartner Katie came home with her valentines this afternoon... plus an inordinate amount of candy. (Apparently Valentine's Day is the new Halloween.)

Kids undoubtedly love candy; yet among Katie's chocolates and lollipops and cherry red Starbursts lay a lone box of Sweethearts that I knew would go untouched. Katie hates Sweethearts. So do I. So does any other human being with legitimate taste buds. (And just to be clear: we're talking about Sweethearts not Sweet Tarts. I love Sweet Tarts and will duel anyone who thinks otherwise.)

I fully intended to throw Katie's Sweethearts away for her - but then curiosity got the best of me. I wondered:  Gee, just how stupid are those little sayings they have on them? Against my better judgement, I opened the box and looked. The results were scary... bordering on horrific. Here were some of the lowlights (and no - I'm not making any of them up):

• "Hug Me" - Innocuous; in fact they should all just say "Hug Me".

• "Pick Me" - As opposed to the millions of other cute little candy hearts out there?

• "Adore Me" - The thought of anyone adoring me skeeves me out.

• "Friend Me" - So Zuckerberg is into the whole candy scene now... nice!

• "Tweet Me" - Because we should all be able to express our love in 140 words or less.

• "Text Me" - As long as there are no pictures of Congressmen in their boxer shorts.

• "U Can Do It" - I can?

• "1 on 1" - I couldn't tell if this was a sex reference or simply homage Hall & Oates

• "Go Go Go" - Seems more suited for Viagra than Sweethearts.

• "Boogie" - As in Wonderland? Or Oogie Oogie Oogie?

• "Voila" - Non, merci'.

• "Time 2 Dance" - They're small, hard candies. Don't dance while eating them. You could choke.

And by far the weirdest one of them all:

• "Jump 4 Me" - On our first date? C'mon - what kind of a guy do you think I am?