High School

For years I had a recurring dream where I was frantically walking the halls of my high school, trying to find my guidance counselor. There was a class – usually Spanish – that I barely attended but forgot to withdraw from; and the merciless teacher insisted on giving me an F. Unless I weaseled my way out of it, I wouldn’t graduate.

The dream itself wasn’t rooted in any literal truth (since I managed to graduate high school just fine, thank you), nor was it all that uncommon. According to a psychologist I know, lots of people have “high school dreams” or “college dreams”, and they tend to represent some general sense of unfinished business and/or a need to still accomplish something. Over time, they usually stop recurring... which mine did a few years ago when I finally realized that high school, for all its glory, both was and is a cruel joke.

Don’t get me wrong: I liked my high school. I learned some stuff, I made some friends, and – save the street gang executive who got shot and killed on the front steps in broad daylight – I don’t think there’s anywhere else I would have rather gone. But society tends to make the whole high school experience thing a much bigger deal than it is.

The expectations.

The pressure.

The societal norms you have to live up to.

I remember walking around the hallways (in real life, not the dream) with an innate sense that what I was doing and what was happening both to and around me would have an unequivocally permanent impact upon my entire being for the rest of my natural life.

As it turns out, I was wrong. A confessed dork back in high school (a truth my wife would unquestionably extend to present day as well), I was ranked slightly higher than the pocket protector/chess club nerds, yet far far below the realm of popular jocks. Nearly twenty years later, though, neither the academic nor the social stratification matters… and as a parent, that more than anything else is what I’m trying to figure out:

• How do I teach my kids to work hard but not perseverate?
• How do I tell them that what can seem like a big deal at the moment is really, truly nothing?
• And how do I get them to see that this whole grand theory of “high school” is just one of many many many phases of life?

Thankfully, I’ve still got six full years to figure it out.

Don Corleone Heads to The Office

Over the years I have realized that people who go around quoting the Godfather fall into one of two categories: 1) the ninety percent of the population that only knows “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” or 2) the obsessive-compulsive elites who have managed to integrate even the most obscure Godfather quotes into their daily vernacular much to the annoyance of their spouses, co-workers and friends.

Unfortunately for my spouse, co-workers and friends, I fall among the later. Fortunately for me, though, I work for a couple of guys who appreciate The Godfather as much as I do... which inspired my patented list of Godfather Quotes for Use in the Modern Workplace:

10. Your secretary complains about having to work on Columbus Day/Veteran’s Day/Arbor Day/et cetera… so you politely let her know: “That’s the price you pay for the life you choose.” (Michael to Vincent, Part III)

9.     The boss hires one of those leadership consultants to come in and give a seminar. When he asks for the definition of teamwork, you raise your hand and shout: “All of our ships must sail in the same direction.” (Don Lucchesi, Part III)

8.     You and a co-worker both sleep with the same girl on the same night. The resulting awkwardness leads to an all-out fist-fight at lunch. The boss calls you both into his office; and when you’ve finally worked out your differences, you embrace your co-worker and assure him: “I will not be the one to break the peace we have made here today.” (Vito to Tattaglia, Part I)

7.     You’re at a staff meeting, laying-out a rather ambitions agenda for the next quarter. A recalcitrant subordinate yells out “that’s impossible.” So you get very very quiet, then softly announce: “If history has taught us anything… it’s that you can kill anybody.” (Michael to Al Neri, Part II)

6.     The guy in the next cubicle over confides in you that he hates, hates, hates his boss. You put a hand on his shoulder and gently reassure him: “Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.” (Michael to Vincent, Part III)

5.     Your boss starts raving about how great things are at the company. Sales are up, profits are up, shareholders are happy and everyone’s getting a big fat Christmas bonus… so you look at him and matter-of-factly state:  “Michael, we’re bigger than U.S. Steel.” (Hyman Roth, Part II)

4.     Your boss accuses you of stealing soap from the unisex bathroom. The company’s disciplinary panel hears your case and concludes that you, in fact, did not steal said soap from the unisex bathroom. Upon hearing this news, you spring to your feet and scream: “THIS COMMITTEE OWES AN APOLOGY!” (Tom Hagen, Part II)

3.     Your legal affairs office hires a new staff attorney to oversee ethics compliance. You introduce yourself, shake her hand and inform her: “I don’t need any more tough guys. I need. More. Lawyers.” (Michael to Vincent, Part III)

2.     An old friend and mentor who helped you get your first job many many years ago asks you do to a favor that you really don’t want to do. You look away and say, resignedly: “You know I’ll do anything for my Godfather.” (Johnny Fontaine, Part I)

1.     A back-stabbing, two-faced, double-crossing co-worker comes up to you after a meeting and asks how your sick aunt is doing. You look him straight in the eye and say: “We’re both a part of the same hypocrisy – but never think it applies to my family.” (Michael to Senator Geary, Part II)

I Want My MTV

August 1, 1981 – 12:01 a.m.

The countdown begins, the rocket launches; the little spacesuit cartoon guy plants his iconic flag on the moon as The Buggles (a one-hit wonder no one had ever heard of) took to the screen to sing about killing the radio star.

It was the start of MTV - a groundbreaking experiment that would redefine the futures of both music and television forever. But as history was being made, where exactly did I find myself?

In bed. Asleep. Probably hugging any variety of blankets, pillows or stuffed animals.

In my defense, I was only three; plus I’m fairly certain my parents didn’t have cable back then anyway. Nonetheless, it would have been nice to say I witnessed history, especially given how much of a role MTV played in the early part of my life, and the lives of just about everyone else in my generation.

Sure, “Video Killed The Radio Star” became the iconic front of early music videos (and also the answer to what is not the most over-used trivia question in the universe), but there were others that still to this day bring me back to being a kid, sitting on my couch watching the real MTV:

“You Might Think” by the Cars. (The water gushing out of Ric Ocasek’s fallen face is classic!)

Ray Parker, Jr. popping out from under the bed in “Ghostbusters”.

Anything by the Go-Gos. Anything by Scandal. Anything by Duran Duran.

Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl”.

“Take On Me”!

The “Walk of Life” video with all of the sports clips.

Chevy Chase in “Call Me Al.”

“We Are the World” (again… and again… and again…).

And of course the granddaddy of them all: “Thriller”… because let’s face it: who among us was not obsessed with “Thriller”?

Over time, the music gradually gave way to general programming. I liked “Remote Control” and “Yo, MTV Raps”, and I even watched the first few seasons of the “Real World”; but (and you all know where this is going because you’ve heard it a thousand times) MTV really can’t call itself Music Television anymore. It’s all about money and reality shows and the style of in-your-face-sex-sells programming that prohibits me from allowing any of my children anywhere near MTV.

At least those of us who grew up with MTV still have a memory of it, though. At least we still smile every time we hear “867-5309” on the radio, thinking about the huge gap in the lead singer’s teeth… or laugh at the thought of the dancing midget every time we hear “Safety Dance”… or instantly think of Dexy’s Midnight Runners every time we see a pair of denim overalls.

Tune into MTV this very minute and you’ll assuredly encounter “True Life” or “16 and Pregnant”. The channel’s web page doesn’t even mention of today’s milestone anniversary. If you want to celebrate MTV’s 30^th, you’ll have to tune into XM Radio’s “80’s on 8”, which has all of the original MTV VJs (less the late great J.J. Jackson, of course) playing the original songs – in order - from MTV’s first day on the air.

Imagine that: thirty years later and XM Radio is killing the video star.