Kids undoubtedly love candy; yet among Katie's chocolates and lollipops and cherry red Starbursts lay a lone box of Sweethearts that I knew would go untouched. Katie hates Sweethearts. So do I. So does any other human being with legitimate taste buds. (And just to be clear: we're talking about Sweethearts not Sweet Tarts. I love Sweet Tarts and will duel anyone who thinks otherwise.)
I fully intended to throw Katie's Sweethearts away for her - but then curiosity got the best of me. I wondered: Gee, just how stupid are those little sayings they have on them? Against my better judgement, I opened the box and looked. The results were scary... bordering on horrific. Here were some of the lowlights (and no - I'm not making any of them up):
- "Hug Me" - Innocuous; in fact they should all just say "Hug Me".
- "Pick Me" - As opposed to the millions of other cute little candy hearts out there?
- "Adore Me" - The thought of anyone adoring me skeeves me out.
- "Friend Me" - So Zuckerberg is into the whole candy scene now... nice!
- "Tweet Me" - Because we should all be able to express our love in 140 words or less.
- "Text Me" - As long as there are no pictures of Congressmen in their boxer shorts.
- "U Can Do It" - I can?
- "1 on 1" - I couldn't tell if this was a sex reference or simply homage Hall & Oates
- "Go Go Go" - Seems more suited for Viagra than Sweethearts.
- "Boogie" - As in Wonderland? Or Oogie Oogie Oogie?
- "Voila" - Non, merci'.
- "Time 2 Dance" - They're small, hard candies. Don't dance while eating them. You could choke.
And by far the weirdest one of them all:
- "Jump 4 Me" - On our first date? C'mon - what kind of a guy do you think I am?