All I Really Need to Know I Learned from "Saved By The Bell"

Although the less cultured among us undoubtedly dismiss it as nothing more than a cheesy NBC Saturday morning television show for kids, I will admit: all I really need to know in life I learned from Saved By The Bell*... for instance:

- There is no such thing as magic zit cream... and even if there is, its not without some side-effects.

- Despite the laws of popular physics, you can instantaneously pause all moving matter simply by calling "TIME OUT".

- "California Girls" by the Beach Boys does, in fact, have hypnotic powers.


- Don't make friends in middle school... because once you get to high school they're all going to disappear without explanation, only to be replaced by newer friends who happen to be significantly more attractive (thus ensuring higher ratings and a significant mark-up in advertising rates).

- And while you'd think someone named "Miss Bliss" would be a porn start or a pole dancer, chances are she's simply your teacher.

- Pay attention in Health class... you never know when you're going to be trapped in an elevator with your principal's pregnant wife and have to deliver a baby.

- Don't under any circumstances allow your nickname to become "Screech".

- And if by chance your name does become Screech, be warned: the rich girl in school who looks like Punky Brewster is only after you for your money.

- Kelly Kapowski was and is the measure by which all women on this planet should be judged.

- There is no shame in mourning the loss of a pet chameleon. (Oh, wait - there is? Sorry... scratch that one.)

- Babysitting your Anthropology professor's kids is a bad idea; falling in love with said professor is even worse.

- Like The King himself, vintage Elvis statues are irreplaceable.

- No matter how hard you work, how good you dance or how many caffeine pills you pop, you will not - I repeat: will NOT - get into Stansbury College... since it doesn't exist.

- It is possible to go from being a geek at one high school to part of the in-crowd at another high school without losing your virginity. (Granted it also helps if your father owns the production company.)

- Nothing good could possibly come from being set-up on a blind date with your principal's niece... nothing.

- Disney fairy tales set to rap music are soooo 1990's.

- You would think its against a slew of federal and state laws to sneak into the women's locker room, secretly take pictures of the girl's swim team and then publish said pictures in a pin-up calendar... but apparently its not.

- A new stepbrother is like a mild STD: it shows up out of nowhere, wreaks havoc on your life for a few days and then disappears, never to be heard from (or even mentioned off-handed) ever again.

- When judging a Fourth of July beauty pageant between your ex-girlfriend and your current girlfriend, always always always vote for your current girlfriend. (As if that really needs to be pointed out.)

- Striking oil on school property is fun and will make you rich. Unfortunately, it will also kill your favorite duck.

- Never give relationship advice over the phone unless you are absolutely 100% sure who's listening on the other end.

- The popular kid who hates school, cuts class and spends an eternity in detention always scores better on his SATs than the super-smart bookworm aiming for the Ivy Leagues. It's inevitable.

- Also inevitable: hot homeless chicks hanging around the mall at Christmas.

- When you graduate high school, you will be replaced by a new set of students... but fear not: they are neither as interesting or original as you were, and after a year or two no one will even remember they even existed.

- And finally: yes, its true... there is, in fact, no hope with dope.


*With many many apologies to the brilliant Robert Fulghum